


Let Me Try To Fix You

by SoonerOrLater



Series: I Guess I'll Just Lie Here [10]
Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Domestic Fluff, Established Realtionship, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-17 20:02:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,830
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28730889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoonerOrLater/pseuds/SoonerOrLater
Summary: The first time David and Patrick have more than one night together David's insomnia returns. Patrick as ever just wants to help. Which confuses David even more.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Series: I Guess I'll Just Lie Here [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1886797
Comments: 28
Kudos: 146





	1. Night One

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place just before 'Singles Week' 
> 
> Part of the same universe this series takes place in but can be read alone. (Canon compliant)
> 
> It's January 2021 and I don't think I've slept properly since last year, so using David to vent my frustration...

Ray was gone for three whole nights. Three whole nights of uninterrupted time together. And while the ‘alone time’ element was always welcome, David was also looking forward to some, well ‘alone time’. As much as they spent a lot of time together- more than perhaps would be healthy for many relationships- they were in work for much of that, or out on a date, or with Ray...or Alexis or Stevie, or David’s parents dropping in on a dinner at the cafe. In short there were a lot of people a lot of the time. So some alone time was good. 

The first night-Thursday night- was exactly as they’d planned. David had arrived at around seven to Patrick cooking dinner. He couldn’t remember the last time someone cooked him dinner- we certainly weren’t counting his Mother’s failed attempt at Enchiladas in that. Predictably Patrick was Mr Organised in the kitchen, everything had a system. He’d cooked Pot Roast and wearing Ray’s floral apron while he did it gave him the air of someone’s Mom cooking a Sunday dinner. David wondered if he’d called his Mom checking on how to cook it, or whether he just knew, maybe he’d learned it from his Mom….Patrick caught him looking at that point, with no doubt a slightly wistful look on his face. 

‘What?’ He’d asked. 

‘Just like your apron.’ he’d smirked. 

‘Get the plates.’ Patrick commanded ‘And the wine from the fridge.’

‘Ok Mom’ David had complained which earned him a slap with a nearby oven glove as he scooted past. 

For desert Patrick had produced one of the Apple Pies that had just come into the store, which David had been drooling over for days. They took it to Ray’s couch where they ate it watching old episodes of The Great British Baking Show. Which surprisingly Patrick loved. Maybe he was a secret Paul Hollywood David mused. His brain got caught in a tangent then of how Patrick would look good with Silver-Fox hair like Hollywood’s and he found himself absently running his fingers through Patrick’s short hair. 

‘I’m not growing it David.’ he said, not taking his eyes off the meringue-based drama on screen. ‘But my Dad does have a very nice head of silver hair in case you’re wondering.’ 

David ruffled Patrick’s hair. To the extent, there was anything to ruffle. They sat side by side on the sofa, having just finished dessert. Without thinking about it David leaned over and rested his head on Patrick’s shoulder ‘Good to know’ he said. ‘Still want to know what it looks like if you grow it.’ 

Patrick turned his head and kissed the top of David’s head. ‘One day.’ he said David lifted his head and grinned. He would hold him to that promise. Patrick reached over and took his hand. ‘This is...nice’ he said with a shy smile. David ran his thumb over Patrick’s hand and smiled. 

‘Yeah.’ he said biting his lip. They hadn’t got to do a lot of this, just being in each other’s company with no time limit or agenda. 

‘One more episode?’ Patrick said nodding at the TV. 

David nodded. Patrick shifted over a bit, and lifted an arm as invitation, and David smiled and leaned under it. 

An hour later they made their way upstairs, and enjoyed the rare moments of not having to hurry, or worry about doors opening. Laying with Patrick in his arms, exhausted but in the best way, David hadn’t felt this relaxed in years. 

Why then, three hours later was he left staring at the ceiling, knowing he wasn’t going to get any sleep tonight. 

He could always feel the difference. Between the ‘had slightly too much caffeine’ or ‘stayed up past the point of tired’ where he’d eventually fall asleep, and this. The ‘stare at the ceiling heart and mind racing’ kind of night. He hadn’t had one in a long time. When they first moved here they happened more than he admitted to anyone. He just got used to it Then it got better. Just every now and then. Rationally he knew it was this change. It was sleeping somewhere new. It was three whole nights ahead of him. And he cursed his stupid brain for turning that into something bad. But it was already off and spinning. 

What if that was the thing. What if this was the thing that sent them wrong. What if three days and three nights were too much. Finally revealed all the things about him he was trying to keep hidden, or if not hidden...muted. What if he had some kind of weird habit he didn’t even know about yet that made Patrick run for the hills. 

What if. That’s all he could think. 

Patrick was so good. So nice. And kind and patient and more than he deserved he knew that. He felt like he was still cheating time until he was caught out. He knew his brain was going to spend hours convincing him of that. Or worse. Going over every time he’d got it wrong. 

He turned on his side, back to where Patrick was still lying there, facing him, sound asleep. He forced himself to look at him there in the dark. To try and remember he wanted to be there, he wanted David there with him. Whether sensing him there or just by coincidence, Patrick rolled into him looping an arm over his hip pulling him slightly closer. David tried to concentrate on the weight of him, on his steady breathing. Closing his eyes and hoping it would send him to sleep. 

He forced himself still for hours. Then rolled away when Patrick shifted in his sleep, and forced himself still while his mind whirred. 

Eventually when his phone said 2.55am he let himself get up and escape downstairs. He curled up on Ray’s battered old couch and put his headphones in, retreating into a tried and tested playlist that if nothing else calmed the edges and allowed him to breathe a little. He’d brought his journal with him too, he couldn’t quite face confronting his thoughts on the page yet. So he closed his eyes for a bit and tried to let the music seep into his brain a little hoping to take the edge off enough to breathe easier. 

Patrick woke up at five and turned over. It took him a second to realise David wasn’t there- not being used to him being there, his half awake brain didn’t register his absence at first. Waking up a little more his brain caught up, David was here, but he wasn’t here. He squinted into the darkness, he definitely wasn’t in the room. And the door was shut. Usually if he went to the bathroom he’d leave it open- so not to make extra noise clicking it open and shut. Maybe he’d just shut it though. Patrick leaned over to David’s side of the bed, it was cold. Ok, so he’d been gone a while. He sat up and flicked the light on, casting his gaze around for any clues. David’s bag was by the bed so he hadn’t totally run away in the night. He swung his legs over the bed, grabbed his sweater and made his way downstairs. 

The living room lamp was on and the room was dimly lit, but Patrick could see David at the nearest end of the couch, sat upright but curled up in the corner, head resting on the cushions. He could see slight movement and registered he was writing in his journal. But he had headphones in. 

‘David.’ Patrick said loud enough to break through whatever he was listening to. ‘You ok?’

David started a bit, but luckily didn’t seem too alarmed. He pulled out his earbuds. ‘Sorry.’ he said. 

Patrick smiled kindly, while stifling a yawn ‘What you sorry for?’ 

David shrugged. ‘I was going to come back upstairs, before you woke up. Didn’t think you would for another hour or so.’

Patrick walked across the living room and leaned against the armchair, folding his arms ‘How long have you been down here?’

David frowned, closing his journal. ‘Since about three?’

Patrick nodded ‘You ok?’ he repeated. 

David shrugged. ‘I couldn’t sleep.’ he uncurled his legs and stretched a bit ‘And when it got to like three, I figured it was definitely a lost cause and I didn’t want to wake you by laying there tossing and turning so….’ he shrugged. ‘Sorry.’ he said. 

‘Why are you sorry?’ Patrick said again, moving and sitting down next to him. 

David shrugged, ‘For, this, me, whatever.’ 

Patrick ran a hand up his back. ‘You couldn’t sleep. It’s hardly a deep dark secret’

‘Hmm,’ David said. 

‘David?’ Patrick paused in his hand motions. David shook his head. So he didn’t push it. ‘We’ve got a couple of hours before we need to get ready for work.’ he said instead ‘Why don’t we just lie here for a bit?’

David looked over at him, looking exhausted, he nodded slowly. Patrick gave him what he hoped was a reassuring look. He lay back, his head on the arm of the couch, pushing the luckily oversized pillows, under him. David followed his lead, coming to lie half next to, half on top of him. It was a squeeze laying flat out on the couch but they managed it. Patrick pulled Ray’s woollen throw from the back of the couch and over the top of them. David’s head was on his chest and he absently played with his hair as he settled in, before wrapping both arms around him. 

David’s heart slowed a little as he felt Patrick’s under him. His hand was in his hair, and then both arms wrapped around him. He exhaled and felt himself relax a little bit. His eyes got heavy and he felt himself drifting off at last. It wouldn’t be for nearly long enough, but it was something.


	2. Night Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the second night in a row David can't sleep. And his mind starts to run away with him.

By 9 on their Friday night David was flagging. He was struggling to keep his eyes open. And his heart was already racing. He’d lost the game of rock-paper-scissors for the film choice and so they were watching Patrick’s choice. Something with superheroes he wasn’t following despite Patrick’s detailed narration for the first 6 films in the series he’d missed. And now he was going to think he was bored. 

‘Do you have any candy?’ he asked during what he hoped was a suitable lull- it was a fight of some kind but it felt ok to interrupt. 

‘Ray has a whole drawer. He won’t mind if you take whatever.’ Patrick hadn’t taken his eyes off what was now an increasingly ridiculous fight. 

David extracted himself from the blankets on the sofa, and went to investigate. If he could get a little sugar high going on maybe he’d stay awake. Ray did indeed have a hell of a drawer full of candy. He selected some gummy sweets and licorice and for good measure some chocolate caramel looking things. He reinstalled himself on the sofa next to Patrick who had paused the obviously Very Important Fight while he was in the kitchen. He handed the gummy packet to Patrick and started on the liquorice. Resting his head on Patrick’s shoulder while he resumed narrating the importance of every punch he waited for the sugar to kick in. 

And kick in it did. Which resulted in a spirited debate about action films versus romcoms. And how the action films would be far improved by some same-sex romance (a point Patrick conceeded). And spurred on by the spirited debate, and probably the amount of sugar, a very energetic move to the bedroom. A day in and they’d clearly gotten used to not having to be quiet or indeed to hurry, not that there was anything laid back about that night’s activities. 

‘I don’t think I can move’ Patrick said trying to reach the water next to the bed ‘Nope.’ he flopped back. 

‘I’m not getting it. Too far’ David said he half tried to reach for his own drink, groaned, and flopped back. ‘I think I pulled something.’

‘You know at your age maybe you should stretch first.’ Patrick said deadpan, earning him what would have been a playful shove from David, had he found the energy, instead he sort of flailed in his general direction, before groaning and giving up. There was a moment and Patrick added ‘That was good right...like really good.’ 

David glanced over and saw the momentarily insecurity there and his eyes crinkled and he smiled a lopsided smile before summoning the energy to roll over back into Patrick and kiss him softly. ‘Oh that was very, very good.’ he said. As confident- as annoyingly confident- as Patrick was this was still new, and sometimes he needed that reassurance. And David was happy to give it. He kissed him softly again, ‘Very good.’ he said. His eyes flicked down as he got lost in thought suddenly. 

Patrick saw the moment David’s over-thinking kicked in. He hadn’t meant to ruin a moment with his own insecurity, but despite being confident overall, he sometimes couldn’t help but check everything was going as well as he thought it was. Clearly his worry had kicked something in David into overdrive as well. He reached over to his boyfriend and tilted his face back up to his, leaning in for another kiss. ‘What?’ he asked. 

David rolled his eyes, and he didn’t say it but Patrick could hear the ‘it’s stupid’ in his face. So he shook his head at him answering him silently ‘no it’s not.’ 

‘Well’ he started rolling onto his side, still not quite looking at him. ‘I guess I was just thinking about when you said it was like the first time when we first kissed, and how I said it was like we were both starting again.’ Patrick reached a hand to his arm and gently stroked his hand up and down David’s arm, ‘And I guess I just think sometimes how this is different for me too.’ he shrugged. 

Patrick let his arm stop and rubbed his thumb back and fore there instead, thinking. Before he could speak David snapped back to life flipping over on his back. ‘Anyway way to ruin some frankly fantastic sex if I do say so myself.’

Patrick sighed inwardly for a moment. He was learning the more something was bothering David the longer it took him to get to it. But he also knew sometimes the best way through was to go with him. Play along. 

‘Oh say so yourself do you?’ he said, scooting over so he could wrap an arm around David while kissing his neck. ‘I think I need to remind you that there were two of us involved there.’ he kissed up his neck lazily, not leading anywhere, he joked but they were both far too exhausted and possibly too old, for a second round after that first one. He yawned just as the thought crossed his mind as if his body was agreeing with him. He flopped his head onto David’s chest momentarily groaning softly. ‘Ok come on, let’s get cleaned up and get some sleep.’

David hummed under him. He hadn’t meant that to be so weighed. Patrick rubbed a hand across his cheek as he pulled himself up, and leaned in for a kiss before jerking his head in a ‘come on’ motion. David nodded and hauled himself up. 

They went about getting themselves cleaned up and ready for bed. Watching Patrick rummage around for clean pajamas, and watching him tidy up around him as he went David felt a moment of calm, followed by a tightening in his chest again. He cursed himself. He loved these moments, feeling like they were in something, really in something. This quiet domesticity, getting ready for bed was so simple. And at his age seemed a ridiculous thing to feel so unfamiliar too. He hadn’t known how much he’d longed for it until these last few months. The glimpses at it were still few and far between- both their living situations were proving challenging at times. But there had been a few blissful moments like this where it felt like they were doing something else. And the minute he started to enjoy it, his brain kicked in and told him not to. Just in case. He didn’t have to worry, he knew, he trusted that now. Rationally. But since when was anything in his mind rational. 

He was stirred from spiralling too far by Patrick first trying to get past him to get to the wardrobe behind him. But then by him pausing to hug him from behind. He knew he felt the tension there because he held on a little too long.

‘You know I really think I did my back some injury.’ David muttered, deflecting again, ‘It’s already stiff.’

‘Hmm’ Patrick said into his back, then pulling back to rub his hands up and down. ‘Like here?’ he rubbed at the small of David’s back for a second. 

‘Um yeah.’ David said playing into it. ‘Ow.’

Patrick rubbed it for a second, David did feel tense, and if he’d pulled something with their slightly vigorous and indeed adventurous efforts earlier, that would explain it. ‘See what it’s like in the morning, I’ve got some heat packs if it still hurts.’ he rubbed his back gently once again before moving away to his side of the bed. 

They settled in quickly, David rolling into Patrick who looped an arm around him. Patrick let out a contented sigh and David smiled into him. It really was ok. It was ok to enjoy this. As if reading his mind Patrick muttered. 

‘I could get used to this.’ he ran a hand through David’s hair, before adding ‘And making as much noise as we like.’ 

David didn’t laugh, Patrick assumed he was already drifting off to sleep and ran a hand through his hair again. Seriously again he said ‘I like this.’

David shifted against him and snuggled in a bit deeper. He did too. He didn’t manage to say it. Because saying it felt like asking for trouble. Instead he inhaled the smell of Patick’s freshly washed t-shirt and let him play with his hair until he drifted off to sleep. Hoping it would last. 

It didn’t of course. He woke up with a start, thankfully they’d somehow detangled themselves in the night so he was the other side of the bed. He did a quick instinctive check, everything was quiet. Nothing had woken him; he was just awake. He picked up his phone. 5am. Well that was an improvement at least. He waited a second. 

Moments after he was awake he could feel the pain in his chest. He tried to breathe. He knew he was breathing but it wasn’t easy. His chest felt like it was covered in weights. ‘You’re ok, you’re fine’ he tried to tell himself. In a parallel timeline he was laughing at the absurdity of Ted-the-Vet teaching him that panic attacks were real, and that also he wasn’t dying. But it wasn’t that amusing right now. He managed a deep breath which eased it momentarily. He tried again. Ok that was helping. Maybe he could keep it up long enough to calm down enough and then...and then his mind was spiralling. He was going to wake Patrick up at this rate. Wake him up by thinking too loudly? Breathing too loudly? Again in a parallel timeline he could see how ridiculous that was. Right now he just couldn’t breathe. And Patrick was too close and he was going to wake up and it was all his fault. 

His chest got tighter and tighter. He willed himself to stay still. To just stay in bed. He only had to last what, two hours at most before Patrick woke up. He could roll into him and pretend he’d just woken up and everything would be fine. His heart was racing now too. He tried to slow everything down. Just try to breathe he reminded himself. Just lie still. But his brain was off and running now too. How could they do this if he was like this? If he couldn’t even last three nights. He couldn’t even last one night he reminded himself. How could he want something so badly and be so incapable of doing it. 

He could feel panic rising in him. He had to get out of bed. Another thing he’d managed to fail at, he couldn’t even wait it out. He pulled himself out as quietly as he could. Pausing sitting on the edge of the bed to stop his head spinning a little. And to take a little look at Patrick, half checking he was still sleeping. Half trying to remind himself, from the currently deeply buried rational part of his brain, that Patrick wasn’t like the others. Unfortunately the rational part of his brain wasn’t the loudest right now. And he pushed himself up and made his way downstairs. 

When he got there he realised he’d forgotten a sweater, or his phone, or his journal or basically anything. So he wrapped himself in the blanket from the couch and pulled his feet up under him staring straight ahead, willing for a while the time to move forward until it was a reasonable hour to be awake. 

It didn’t. Instead he sucked himself into a spiral of increasingly ridiculous, but entirely rational, in the dark with no distractions, thoughts. He went from Patrick just giving up on him, for being utterly ridiculous. To them losing the Store because he couldn’t function. Through vendors also hating him to him somehow in this ending up with nowhere to live either. Because those are the kinds of leaps his brain makes at this time in the morning. With nothing to pull him out of it. Mainly he kept going over Patrick finding him here, thinking he was ridiculous, having put up with far too much of his nonsense and ending it on the spot. He’d convinced himself so fully that Patrick actually hated him and was looking for a way out, that when he did appear in the living room, just after 7 and giving him two full hours of spiralling, he jumped to his feet with a; 

‘Yes! Ok I’m awake again and I’m sorry I’m so awful and can’t sleep.’ 

Patrick who was barely awake, having stumbled down the moment he realised David was missing, to check he was ok, was startled and blinked a few times, his delay was enough to send David on a tangent. 

‘I can’t sleep. And I get like this and I don’t know why but I do and so I come down here because I don’t want to wake you, but now you’re mad at me for sneaking off, and you’re probably going to tell me to go home, and maybe never come back because you don’t need this kind of nonsense in your weekend and-’

‘David’

‘And I get that but also it’s not your fault, and if we’re going to end up losing the Store over this we’d better do it now.’ 

‘DAVID!’ Patrick shouted just loud enough to stop him. ‘Whoa, who is losing the Store? What the hell?’ he shook his head ‘You’ve gotta give me a chance to catch up here.’ he said moving towards David, the couch still between them ‘And maybe make some coffee so I can wake up a bit?’

‘You’re mad that I woke you up.’

‘David! I’m not mad at you! I’m trying to help!’ It came out harsher than he would like but he was confused, and only half awake. 

‘You can’t fix me!’ David instantly regretted it, but had no option but to storm off and upstairs having said it. He’d intended to shower and get ready for the day, but instead he sat on the edge of Patrick’s bed, apparently unable to move. After a few minutes Patrick appeared at the door and leaned on the wall, half in, half out of the bedroom. 

‘Can I come in?’ he asked evenly. 

David shrugged, ‘It’s your room’ 

Patrick pushed himself off the wall and walked over to the edge of the bed sitting next to him. He leaned forward resting his elbows on his knees. He considered carefully before he spoke. He went for honesty. 

‘You’ve got to let me try and fix you sometimes David.’ he said, ‘You’ve got to let me want to fix you.’ 

David didn’t look at him, but he could see the wheels turning in his head. He looked up when he finally spoke. 

‘You really have to stop saying such nice things to me.’ he said. Patrick took that as a cue it was ok to loop an arm around his back. David looked over at him ‘But you know you can’t fix me right?’

Patrick smirked ‘Oh David.’ he said ‘Surely you know better than to tell me I can’t do something by now?’ 

David couldn’t help it. He smiled back. But then his face dropped again, the thought creeping in that Patrick would realise he couldn’t, that this could all still go horribly wrong. He realised he couldn’t breathe again. He tightened his grip on the bed slightly trying to even himself out. 

Patrick noticed immediately. He felt the tension under his arm. He didn’t speak, he just ran his hand up and down in a steady rhythm waiting for David. 

‘You deserve better than having to fix me.’ he said finally, swallowing hard. 

Patrick didn’t look at him. He felt a pull at his chest for how broken David thought he was- hell maybe how broken he was- but more that he felt like he didn’t deserve...not just Patrick but anything. He couldn’t answer that right now. Instead he leaned over and buried his head in David’s neck for a second.

‘How about.’ he said straightening up, ‘I cook us breakfast. We go to work. Then enjoy the fact it’s Saturday so we get to finish early. And you let me surprise you with what I had planned for this evening?’

‘You know it’s not a surprise if you tell me about it right?’ David said. 

Patrick kissed his cheek. ‘You still don’t know what I have planned.’ that earned him a half smile. 

‘It better involve food.’ he said, raising an eyebrow. 

‘I think I know you well enough by now for that.’ Patrick said with a smirk. He got up leaving David on the bed. He was half out the door when he leaned back in. ‘For what it’s worth.’ he said carefully ‘I don’t think you need fixing. I just want to fix everything around you so you don’t feel like you’re the thing that’s wrong.’

David bit his lip and looked up. ‘What did I just say about saying nice things to me?’ 

Patrick smirked and left with a nod. David wiped at his eyes before gathering his things to take a shower.


	3. Night Three

David knew he’d been grumpy all day. Tiredness and the continued anxiety pulling at his chest all day made him both a terrible coworker and terrible boyfriend. He could hear himself being snippy and occasionally unkind. But he couldn’t quite stop himself either. 

At four they closed up. David was about to start restocking and cleaning, when Patrick took the box of hand cream off him and put it on the counter. 

‘We’re done for the week. It’s date night.’ he said with a smile.

David blinked a couple of times. And opened his mouth to protest, but before he could Patrick folded his arms and smiled again. 

‘Yes David you have been grumpy all day. And at times downright, I think the word might be...bitchy?’ Patrick smirked ‘But I am a nice person, and I’m going to look past it and stick to my plan.’ he shrugged ‘You know unless you’ve got a better offer.’ 

David rolled his eyes and half-smiled ‘No.’ he said a little grumpily still. He moved closer to Patrick and wrapped his arms around his neck. ‘Thank you.’ he said. 

‘Well it’s a good thing one of us is a nice person.’ Patrick grinned leaning up for a kiss. ‘Come on.’ 

David smiled and let Patrick herd them out of the Store. He wouldn’t tell him what he had planned but David guessed when he turned them towards Elmglen but kept going past the turnoff. 

‘We’re going to a Spa afternoon?!’ David couldn’t contain his glee. 

‘No you are booked into a Spa treatment David. I am going to have a beer and read my book in the hotel bar.’ Patrick smiled pulling into a parking spot ‘That way both of us are happy.’ 

David smiled. As much as he mocked Patrick’s lack of skincare knowledge, he also wasn’t going to push him to change (aside from maybe some occasional moisturiser). But the fact he knew David would enjoy this, and that he was willing to drive all the way here to sit in the bar and read, was something. He leaned over and kissed his cheek. ‘Thank you.’ he said. 

‘Come on, can’t be late or the seaweed will go off, or whatever they do to you.’ Patrick made a face. Honestly the thought of having gunk smeared on him by a stranger was his worst nightmare. But he also enjoyed treating David, and his current grin was delightful. He herded them inside and set up camp in the bar, which overlooked the surprisingly nice grounds. He could also think of worse ways to spend the rest of Saturday afternoon. 

David appeared an hour or so later looking very pleased with himself. 

‘Glowing.’ Patrick said with a smile. 

‘You can’t tell the difference can you?’ David asked, flopping down. 

‘Not one bit.’ Patrick grinned as the waiter appeared with a glass of wine he’d ordered for David. 

‘The service.’ David grinned ‘I could get used to this.’ 

‘Don’t.’ Patrick said with a smirk. While David pouted he leaned over and kissed his cheek. ‘Very soft.’ he conceded. ‘Can I assume you’re ready for dinner?’ he asked, knowing it was a stupid question given David could eat at any hour of the day or night. He nodded. 

‘You booked dinner here too didn’t you?’ he grinned. Patrick nodded and David grinned wider. ‘So smooth and suave’ he said.

Patrick shrugged ‘I try.’ he grinned, quite proud of his date-planning skills.

They headed to the restaurant for dinner. About halfway through Patrick was telling a story about one of his college baseball games going horribly wrong. And while it wasn't the most thrilling of stories, he noticed David was barely listening. Then when he asked if he wanted another drink he didn’t answer half staring at his plate. 

‘David!’ Patrick said, giving him a little wave. He snapped back to life. 

‘What? Sorry?’ David blinked a few times, and Patrick realised: he was exhausted. And no doubt helped there by the frankly heroic amount of pasta he’d just eaten. 

‘I asked if you wanted a drink?’ Patrick said. ‘But perhaps instead we get dessert to go?’

David looked like he was going to object so Patrick cut in with ‘We have the house to ourselves for once more evening, and full control of Ray’s TV, I for one don’t want to waste that…’ 

David nodded. But he already felt a familiar tightness in his chest. It had gone away for a bit. A combination of a change of scenery, the indulgence of having a facial, wine and dinner. HIs boyfriend being adorable and lovely. And then he ruined it by zoning out at dinner and annoying him. Even Patrick reaching over for his hand briefly before signalling to the waiter didn’t do anything to quelle it. But he tried to smile, and luckily Patrick ordered desert for both of them, based on David’s known inability to decide between chocolate cake and tiramisu saved him having to think. He started thinking over the rest of dinner, wondering if he’d said anything else stupid. But soon Patrick had a hand on his back steering them towards the car and the cool air outside calmed him a bit. 

Patrick could feel David thinking. Or more accurately over-thinking. And he guessed that right now, he didn’t need unravelling. So Patrick took diversionary tactics instead. So for the journey home he started talking through plans for the Store, which engaged David’s strong opinions enough to keep him distracted and awake. Patrick didn’t particularly care about the placement of scarves and blankets, or the apparently can’t-miss-out niche cosmetics range he was excited about. But he was happy to indulge the discussion. By the time they got home and had agreed that cake was best accompanied by The Great British Baking Show, David seemed his normal self. Passing judgment on cake both that he was eating and on screen. After they’d finished eating, they were trying to arrange themselves on the couch. Usually David just leaned on him, or rested a head or arm around him. But tonight Patrick shifted so his legs were up on the couch, then pulled David down into his lap, letting him lie there instead. David glanced quickly up as if asking ‘is this ok?’ and Patrick reached down to kiss him lightly. Navigating the logistics of alone time still taking some work. But David settled in happily with a cutting remark about the size of someone’s scones and Patrick laughed, and everything felt normal again. 

‘You’d think they’d learn that buttercream never sets!’ Patrick said indignantly. Then realised that an indigent remark about a baking show was something he never thought he’d make. ‘Wow there’s something I never thought I’d say.’ he said with a laugh. ‘What have you done to me?’ 

David didn’t respond. Patrick glanced down, David was asleep in his lap. He smiled and ran a hand over his hair. Clearly he was exhausted. His earlier snippiness, along with the zoning out at dinner was exhaustion. But he was too stubborn to give in, or let anyone know. ‘You’re infuriating.’ Patrick said fondly, resting his hand back on David’s side, feeling the steady rise and fall of his breathing. Even in the face of everything else, he felt weirdly emotional that David had fallen asleep on him. He’d never done that, outside of actually at bedtime. It felt like a major step of trust. That yes, while it was brought on by exhaustion, he also was letting himself show that crack of vulnerability. It struck him too, that even with two nights lost sleep he hadn’t run away. Patrick often worried about David running away from him. More than he wanted to admit. He knew it was a delicate balance with him and he worried about accidentally pushing the wrong button, and instead of protecting him from the world making it worse. And protecting David from the world was increasingly all he wanted to do. He dipped his head and kissed his hair. He decided to leave him for the rest of this episode before dragging him to bed. 

David knew he’d been grumpy this evening. All day if he was honest. The combination of exhaustion and anxiety had consumed him by the time they’d got home. And then he’d fallen asleep. Which he was sure had annoyed Patrick, despite his saying it hadn’t. He’d planned a lovely dinner, and David had annoyed him. Then he’d been terrible company and fallen asleep on him. He’d never done that. Not with Patrick, not with anyone. When he opened his eyes to realise he’d been asleep in his boyfriend’s lap for who knew how long he had frozen. Patrick probably thought he was asleep far longer than he was because he stayed put. His brain whirring over what it meant. Some far reach of his brain suggested it was because he felt safe. He did, he could feel the steady warmth of Patrick under him and around him and he knew he was ok. But had he got too comfortable too soon? Was this too much? He had no real barometer for it. Eventually Patrick turned off the TV and nudged him with a quiet ‘Come on bed time’ and he dragged himself upright letting himself be herded to the bedroom. 

Patrick climbed into bed and automatically reached over to kiss David. He’d meant it as an almost-goodnight-kiss, assuming David was too tired for anything else. But he felt David pull him in, deepening the kiss. So he went with it. Putting a hand up to David’s cheek he pulled him in. Everything felt normal as they kissed. But when he moved his hand down David’s chest to lift his shirt he felt him shift away. Barely perceptible but it was there. 

Patrick pulled back. ‘David.’ he said, ‘We don’t have to.’ 

‘No it’s fine come on.’ David leaned in again. He’d hoped to get away with it. It hadn’t been conscious, but in his tense state he’d pulled back a fraction. Old self-preservation tactics kicking in. He cursed himself. He leaned in again. 

Patrick couldn’t help a wry smile as he put a hand on his chest and stopped him. 

‘David.’ he said in a warning tone. ‘As much as ‘it’s fine’ is a wonderfully lukewarm sentiment I can’t help but be turned on by-’ David huffed and rolled his eyes, flopping back against the headboard. ‘David.’ Patrick said again, touching his arm to get his attention, ‘I’m saying no so you don’t have to.’ 

David flicked his eyes over to Patrick. Remembering that he’d said that to him the morning after their first night together. He relented in his sulk and leaned over to kiss Patrick’s cheek. Both an apology and a thank you. He didn’t know how to say it had so rarely been an option to say no once he was in something. The feeling of obligation when sex was the only real connnection, or all he felt he had to offer. That saying no, he didn’t want to, felt like a one way ticket to something being over. He felt his chest tightening again and he rubbed a hand over his face. Patrick rubbed a hand over his arm but didn’t say anything. David could feel his eyes on him. He looked over and nodded. 

Patrick thought for a moment, worried saying what he was thinking could take this to a place that wasn’t helpful. He ran his hand up and down David’s arm thinking for a second. He felt his eyes on him and shifted a bit looking down as he did so. David covered his hand with his, a signal he took to say he was listening. Patrick nodded looking down. 

‘David.’ he began ‘Do you really think there haven’t been times I haven’t wanted to, but I felt like I had to- and did- anyway.’ he felt David tighten his grip over his hand. Patrick lifted his eyes and David nodded at him. ‘I’m not saying it’s the same, but I’ve been there, and I never want to be there again. Not for me or the person I’m with.’ 

David nodded. He should have realised Patrick probably had experience in that area. Patrick shifted back up so he was sitting up next to him, he reached a hand across his stomach and shuffled himself close. ‘It’s ok to be tired. Or have a headache for real.’ he kissed his cheek to tell him it was ok. ‘Or just not be in the mood.’ he gave him a squeeze ‘Plus.’ he added ‘I hate to remind you but we are both over 30 and I don’t know if we have to stamina for every night.’

David snorted ‘Well speak for yourself there.’ he said with a smile. Relieved things had shifted slightly ‘There is nothing wrong with my stamina.’

‘Oh I know.’ Patrick said with a grin looking up at him with mischief in his eyes. ‘But maybe give yourself a night off, athletes need recovery days you know.’

David snorted again. But leaned down to kiss him. ‘I’ll show you stamina.’ he muttered, then yawned. ‘Tomorrow maybe.’

Patrick rubbed a hand over his stomach, ‘Sleep?’ he said softly, aware suggesting it was weighted. David nodded. Patrick detangled himself to get the lamp then shuffled back down onto his back, holding up an arm so that David could roll into him. ‘Goodnight.’ he said leaning down for a kiss again, that David softly returned, before burying his head in his chest. 

David sighed as he settled down. It was fine, it was all fine. The pain was still there in his chest, but he could cope. He was also exhausted; he reminded himself. He could sleep. He’d already fallen asleep. He’d made a fool of himself several times tonight. Not least just now. Whether reading his mind or just sensing the tension there he felt Patrick run a hand up and down his back. He kept up a steady rhythm, as if trying to soothe him to sleep, like you would a child. It was beautiful and David burrowed himself a bit deeper, clinging onto Patrick’s t-shirt. 

‘Thanks.’ he mumbled. Patrick hummed a response. Soon they were both asleep. 

It didn’t last long. By David’s estimation about an hour in fact. He found himself blinking awake as Patrick still slept under him. It was fine, he told himself. You can lay here a bit. You’re tired enough by now you’ll sleep. His chest hurt and tightened as he thought it. So he forced himself to concentrate on Patrick’s heartbeat, his breathing, anything but the fact he was awake. 

He woke up nearly every hour. Patrick sensed it every time. From midnight when he shifted off his chest, and all the hours after he didn’t open his eyes and look at the clock. Patrick didn’t let David know he was awake. He lay there hoping he’d settle again. Mostly he did, for a while at least. Shifting in the bed and laying down again slightly rearranged. Once or twice his tossing and turning was so energetic he worried David would know he was awake. But he was characteristically a deep sleeper, and in his own anxiety over on his corner of the bed Patrick was sure David wouldn’t notice. He did know that letting him know he was waking up every time too, was a sure way to make things worse. So for the first few hours he lay there. At 2.30 when David rolled back in his direction he rolled into him as well. Finding him in the dark and settling into his side, an arm looped lazily over him. He felt David bring his head down to Patrick’s and pause for a moment. His heart was racing. Patrick worried for a second, that he should have shown him he was awake. But that would send him running for the living room. So he snuggled his way in closer hoping that would help. It seemed to for a while, David stilled and Patrick drifted back off to sleep. 

David felt Patrick burrow into him, presumably still asleep or at least only half awake. He so rarely was the one to do that, David being the naturally more clingy, tactile of them, that it stilled him. His boyfriend burrowed into him in the darkness, just when he was feeling desperate and alone. He’d never had that, in all the nights he’d laid awake staring at the ceiling. He’d never had anyone holding onto him. Maybe it was ok. Maybe he could get through this long night and maybe he could sleep. He let the warmth of Patrick wrapped around him soothe him a bit. The weight of him was comforting too. Slowly he drifted off a bit. 

It didn’t last. He was awake and sweating. And with it he felt like he couldn’t breathe. He rolled away from Patrick and onto his side. He looked at the clock. 3.30am. He did the maths in his head. Three nights of about 2 hours total sleep. He was exhausted. He felt like everything hurt. He was angry at himself. And so so tired. And he started to cry. He hated himself for it, but he felt so beaten. By a stupid thing like not sleeping. And by everything else it was bringing with it. Maybe he should just give up now. On all of it. 

Patrick was awake again too. Lying just far enough away to not be sure if he’d heard David crying. So he waited. Then he heard a definite sniffle. He shifted in the bed. 

‘Don’t trust whatever your brain is telling you at 3.30 in the morning.’ he mumbled. 

‘You’re awake?’ David sniffed. 

‘Yeah I’m awake.’ Patrick didn’t move for a second, seeing how this would play out. 

‘I woke you up.’ he pulled himself upright and rubbed his face. His brain was off and running. He wanted to escape, he recognised the impulse but also he didn’t. He was stuck. And felt panic rising. 

Patrick watched him sit up and rub his face, drawing his knees up to his chest. Just as he looked like he was about to get out of bed, Patrick reached over for his arm. 

‘Hey.’ he said, hoping to still him again. He squeezed lightly. 

‘I’m sorry.’ David muttered. ‘I was just…’ he went to move again. 

‘Then how about you don’t?’ Patrick said, pulling himself upright so he was next to David. 

‘I can’t sleep.’

‘I know.’ Patrick mediated it by reaching for David’s arm again. ‘But why don’t you stay here with me instead of sitting alone in Ray’s living room?’

‘I’ll keep you up.’

‘In case you hadn’t noticed I’m already awake.’

‘I know, I know I’m sorry I-’

Patrick leaned over and kissed his cheek. ‘I’m already awake. Stay.’ 

David sighed. Patrick rested his head on his shoulder. After a moment he felt him exhale and relax a fraction. ‘What helps?’ Patrick muttered into his shoulder. 

‘Nothing.’ David huffed again. He felt terrible for the whole situation. Yet again. 

‘David.’ Patrick let a slight warning creep into his tone. ‘I’m asking what helps? Tea? Whiskey? Hot water bottle? massage? Shower? Sex?’

‘You offering all those at once?’ David asked, it was dark, and Patrick still had his head on his shoulder but he could see the eyebrow raise. 

‘I mean I’m up for a challenge if you are…’

‘Pills. Pills are the only thing that works. And I swore I wouldn’t...any more.’ there had been a time he’d used his- or stolen his Mom’s- to the point he knew it wasn’t healthy. He’d sworn off all that. But times like now...he wished he hadn’t. 

Sensing David was shifting in his attitude to this, Patrick sat up next to him. David looped his arm through his, a good sign that he was on side. ‘So this happens...a lot?’

David shrugged. Patrick sensed him shutting down again. Step by step he told himself, he hadn’t run away tonight. Yet at least. 

‘Well.’ Patrick continued ‘Tea helps me, and I’m going to make some. You want some?’

David sighed but nodded. Patrick seemed determined to show how ok he was with all this. As much as David knew eventually he wouldn’t be he was willing to let him try. 

Patrick nodded. Pulled his robe off the back of the door and wrapped it around him against the cold, and went to the kitchen. He was boiling a kettle and getting mugs trying to decide which tea David would complain least about. Then he had an idea. 

Patrick returned to the bedroom kicking the door open with his foot. He paused at the end of the bed. David was still sitting with his knees drawn up, scrolling on his phone. He put it down when Patrick came in. 

‘So, when I couldn’t sleep as a kid, my Mom would make hot milk.’ he said ‘But every now and then, she’d make hot chocolate instead.’

‘Because giving an awake kid sugar is a great idea?’

‘David do you want this Hot Chocolate or not?’ Patrick rolled his eyes, and walked over to David’s side of the bed. David looked at it. 

‘You put marshmallows in it.’

‘Yes David I put marshmallows in it. Because I’m the best boyfriend.’ he handed the mug over with a roll of his eyes. 

‘Thank you.’ David said in a small voice, poking at the marshmallows with a finger. Silly little things got to him with Patrick. It seemed a simple thing to him-even if he was rolling his eyes- making a drink his Mom made him. The simple kindness of it was enough to confuse David at best, totally floor him at worst. Patrick settled back into the bed, crossing his legs and pulling a pillow into his lap to rest his drink on. David sat up with his knees drawn up resting his own mug there. ‘So what else did your Mom do when you couldn’t sleep?’ David asked. 

Patrick smiled fondly, thinking of his Mom and home. It was bittersweet as ever obviously. ‘She’d read to me mostly.’ He said. ‘She did that a lot anyway, but when I couldn’t sleep, even when I was too old to be read to really she would. Sometimes she’d just sit in my bed with me, so I didn’t feel alone.’ 

David smiled. Patrick really did have a sickenly normal childhood. Nothing like his own. ‘That’s sweet.’ he said. He looked down at his hot chocolate ‘I guess feeling you aren’t alone is nice.’ he mused. 

‘And when I was really little- not that I remember- I’d crawl into my Mom and Dad’s bed. Apparently I’d sleep at the foot of it like a dog though.’ he smiled at the stories his Mom told- there were pictures too apparently somewhere. ‘But sometimes my Dad would come and sit on my bed and talk to me about sports too.’ Patrick had caught David’s comment about not being alone but chosen to brush past it. It didn’t seem the time for pushing too hard. 

‘Your parents seem nice.’ David said. He’d spoken to them a few times now, when they called the Store. They seemed like sweet people. 

Patrick shifted uncomfortably. Aware that David knew more about his parents than they did about him. ‘They’re good people.’ he said with a nod, taking a sip of his drink. ‘I assume Moira Rose wasn’t big on bedtime stories?’ 

‘No but our Nanny was excellent.’ David said with a shrug. Honestly when they were little, neither of them knew much different. It was only later they were aware their childhood wasn’t entirely normal. He sipped at his Hot Chocolate. Preoccupied with Patrick’s parents suddenly. ‘You haven’t been home, since you moved here have you?’ he asked. 

Patrick shifted a bit. ‘Once.’ he said. ‘Um, before we started the Store. Actually right before I offered to help. I’d been um home that weekend.’ he suddenly felt warm, talking about home. That was also the last time he’d seen Rachel before she turned up here. They’d had another big argument, but the one he thought had ended it for good. He’d clearly been wrong. But he also hadn’t realised why he had needed to do that then. It was on the drive back he’d made the decision to offer David help with the business. 

‘But you like your family.’ David said, confused. ‘You should go and see them.’ 

‘Maybe for the Holidays.’ Patrick mused ‘you know we’ve just been busy…’ he shrugged hoping that was the end of it for now. David nodded, seemingly placated. But something occurred to Patrick too. ‘It’s the longest I haven’t seen them for actually.’

David stared into his Hot Chocolate for a minute then took a sip. He had lots of questions about Patrick’s life before him that he didn’t push for. Perhaps a bit burned by the Rachel situation he wondered how far he should push. He felt Patrick shift on the bed, and he was suddenly closer to David. Just close enough to feel the heat of his body there, not quite touching. 

‘Why did you come here?’ David said into his drink. 

Patrick had sensed something was coming. Something playing on his mind. And he’d wondered if David wondered about that for a while. He wasn’t keen on talking about it, so he hadn’t brought it up. 

‘I needed a fresh start.’ he said. Knowing he’d have to go deeper, but easing himself into it. ‘And you know me, take action. Even if that action is moving to the middle of nowhere.’

David glanced sideways, Patrick was staring into his drink too. Thinking. He may as well rattle through the whole story. He took another sip and started talking. 

‘You know I worked for that firm in Toronto after I graduated?’ Patrick began, he looked over at David who nodded, he’d mentioned that a few times. ‘Well when that contract came to an end I struggled a bit. I worked for a few places. Two year long contracts, then...you know, actually you might not know this, things were difficult jobs-wise for people our age. Anyway I was in a bunch of short-term jobs, nothing stuck. I considered going back to School again. Changing direction I don’t know.’ he took a breath. ‘Things with Rachel were...off and on. It was um, difficult.’ he took a sip of his drink. ‘She wanted to move back home, and I agreed. And it all went wrong again. No job, no fiance.’ he looked over at David checking this was ok. He was listening quietly, sipping his drink. ‘I didn’t come straight here. I lived with my parents for a bit. They hoped me and Rachel would patch things up. My Dad tried to get me a job through his friends...I was...not in a good place. And I don’t just mean my parent’s house.’ he chuckled. 

‘Don’t do that.’ David said quietly. 

Patrick frowned. 

‘Just I’ve had a fair bit of experience of things falling spectacularly to pieces all at once.’ he was a master at deflection, even to Patrick. But his boyfriend was a lot more straight talking. So it was telling when he did that. Patrick sighed. David put down his mug and took Patrick’s and wrapped an arm around him. Something about the middle of the night clearly lent itself to secret sharing. Patrick leaned into him a bit and they sat for a moment. 

Patrick hadn’t quite meant to get this deep about his past. He was usually a push through it and move on kind of person. But maybe he just hadn’t had the right people- or person- to share those problems with. 

‘I was just a bit of a mess.’ he shrugged into David. ‘I guess coming up to 30, realising how badly it went wrong. I’d had it all sorted out and then…’

‘It all disappeared.’ David muttered. 

‘Sorry David I should have realised.’ Patrick was suddenly embarrassed, of course David had experience of that. 

‘No quite the opposite.’ he said, and Patrick looked up at him. 

‘I was a mess too. Before we moved here’ he rolled his eyes ‘it's just easier to be a mess when you live in your parent’s mansion and have a chef cooking your meals.’

‘I mean to be fair that does sound easier.’ Patrick said ‘Though to also be fair, my Mom was also cooking my meals. And doing my laundry. And talking to me every waking hour of the day.’ he smiled, he and his Mom were close. But there was a line to the closeness. Again though the nagging guilt was there. 

David smiled. He could imagine Patrick’s Mom being that way. But he was still curious what made Patrick, who seemed like the ultimate boy-next-door up and leave everything. He’d never pushed him to say but it felt like there was no going back. ‘But you weren’t happy staying, you know close by…’ he let it hang for a second ‘Or things weren't good…’ he shifted ‘I mean don’t tell me it’s none of my-’

‘It is your business David.’ Patrick said softly, reaching a hand to his knee to reassure him. ‘I um, I guess I just don’t talk about- I mean I never.’ he stopped and took a breath. David shifted and kissed his cheek. Patrick turned to him and kissed him properly, hungrily. As if trying to ground himself. He pulled David to him and he obliged, but only for a few moments. He pulled back. 

‘I am the master at that too.’ he said softly. 

Patrick understood. He’d tried, however subconsciously, to use sex to deflect. David brought a hand up to his neck and rubbed his thumb back and fore. David could see that there was more. But also that getting that far had been difficult for Patrick. He nodded and reached for Patrick’s mug handing it back to him. He wrapped himself around it a bit and looked deep in thought. David leaned over for his and suddenly his chest felt tight again. He paused and tried to catch his breath. It didn't' quite work. He put his mug down again and tried to breathe, without thinking he put his hand to his chest. 

‘David?’ Patrick caught him looking pained and, worryingly, holding a hand to his chest. ‘What’s wrong?’ he couldn’t help the note of concern creeping in. 

‘It’s fine.’ David knew he sounded a little breathless. He took a second ‘sometimes when I can’t sleep I get a bit.’ he gestured trying to communicate a combination of ‘feeling like I’m dying’ and ‘have a panic attack’ without actually saying it. 

‘David.’ Patrick used his ‘you’re going to tell me.’ tone and put his mug down, shifting to face him. 

David sighed. He took another breath and looked over at Patrick. ‘When we first moved here, I didn’t sleep for days. I had this pain in my chest, Ted told me it was a panic attack.

‘You went to the Vet?’

‘Stevie took me to the Vet.’ 

Patrick smiled. It wasn’t funny, but it was a bit funny. His face shifted as David continued. 

‘That’s what it felt like? These last couple of days. At first I just couldn’t sleep, and then today all day it’s like I can’t breathe again. And my chest.’ he paused trying to breathe, struggling as he talked about it. He felt Patrick reach a hand to his arm ‘The same thing, this pain, it feels like what you think the start of a heart attack might and.’ he shrugged. 

‘David why didn’t you say something?’ Patrick said then with a note of concern bordering on panic ‘Are you ok? Are you sure it’s the same that you’re not-’

‘Actually having a heart attack?’ David said with a little smile ‘Pretty sure by now.’ 

‘David you know you can tell me things like this right?’ he was mildly exasperated, but mostly concerned. As frustrating as it was David didn’t exactly communicate when things were wrong, it was also incredibly sad. ‘David.’ he said again softly. 

‘I don’t want to give you a reason- more reasons- to think I’m ridiculous.’ he said with another shrug. 

‘David.’ Patrick said again. ‘While you can be assured I do think there are elements of the ridiculous about you, this is not one of them.’ he reached over resting his hand lightly on David’s arm. ‘And telling your boyfriend ‘hey I’m not feeling well’ is not ridiculous ok?’

‘It’s not like I’m actually sick.’ David pulled his knees up closer to his chest, lightly shrugging Patrick off, as if he could maybe build himself a little protective fort somehow. 

Patrick closed his eyes for a second. Of course. He reached over and managed to uncurl David’s hand from around his knees. He held it for a second. ‘That’s exactly what it is.’ he said kindly, rubbing his thumb over David’s hand. ‘And you know David sometimes you’ve just gotta let your boyfriend look after you when you’re sick, because that’s kind of his job.’ he gave David’s hand another squeeze ‘And he wants to help fix you. Even if he can’t always.’ he bit his lip, hoping this had gone over ok. Aware he was walking a fine line of how far David could be pushed on this. David finally lifted his head and looked at him. Even in the half light Patrick could see he was crying. He nodded a fraction. ‘Let me look after you David ok?’ 

David couldn’t breathe again. Patrick thought he was sick, he thought it was real, not something he’d made up for attention, or to be dramatic or both. He believed him. And he wanted to look after him. He didn’t know what to do with that. He looked over and Patrick gave him a little reassuring smile. He jerked his head a little and David nodded again, letting himself be pulled down under Patrick’s arm as they sat up against the headboard. He wrapped himself around him for a moment and tried to even out his breathing. Patrick started rubbing a hand up and down his back again and he relaxed a bit. 

Patrick felt David relax into him a bit. He gave so much away with both his body language in everyday life but also the little shifts Patrick could feel when they were together. For someone whose mind was always running at a million miles an hour it made sense he guessed that it got transferred into his body with nowhere else to go. Patrick ran his hand up to David’s neck and instead of running his hand back down gently started to massage his neck with one hand. It was an awkward angle but he wanted to see if it worked. Sure enough a few seconds in David softly grunted and Patrick felt him relax a bit more. So he kept steadily working on one side of his neck. It was working he was sure. 

‘Sit up and let me do this properly then.’ he murmured into the top of David’s head. 

David felt himself hesitate a second before Patrick all but hauled him up. He felt himself maneuvered so he was in front of Patrick who seemed to have his legs crossed behind him again half holding him up. He was irritatingly strong sometimes, mostly when trying to guilt David into more physical tasks at the Store. And also his strength came into its own in other areas. Today however was new. David felt his strong hands on his shoulders, continuing the massage he’d begun moments ago. He took a breath and tried to lean into it. 

‘It’s alright.’ Patrick mumbled his face close to David’s ear. He tried to suppress an involuntary shudder and Patrick chuckled ‘Sorry.’ he said ‘I’ll do this quietly.’

‘Well that could have quite unintentional impacts of release’ David muttered and felt Patrick kiss his neck, just briefly, not leading anywhere. He continued to work his fingers into David’s shoulders and he could feel a combination of releasing tension, while also feeling on edge. Nobody had given him a massage outside of a sexual scenario. This was quiet and caring and strangely unnervingly intimate. 

They’d spent months being close to each other, in every possible way. But this felt like a strangely intimate thing, Patrick realised once he’d started. He had no idea why, maybe some element of vulnerability it was taking from David. Maybe it was the late hour and the strangeness of the middle of the night. But giving David a massage- unconnected to anything sexual, just in trying to help, heal or somehow put him back together, felt like another line they were crossing. Patrick worked steadily and slowly around David’s back and shoulders, feeling some of the tension melting away as he did it. Taking the time to touch him reassuringly, hoping the more he did, the more he’d be able to disengage his brain a bit. After a while he stopped, and wrapped his arms around him from behind, holding on tight for a bit. He felt oddly emotional. Again maybe the late hour doing things to his head. 

‘You ok?’ he muttered into David’s back. 

‘Mmm’ David hummed. Not trusting himself to speak. He felt like he might cry. Patrick’s touch was so reassuring, so loving he felt scared to move too. But Patrick detangled himself and David came to lie down next to him, facing him but not touching. It felt like the time to try and explain. He let them settle a moment. 

‘The thing is.’ he began, ‘I’ve slept in a lot of people’s beds but I haven’t slept in a lot of people’s beds’ he flicked his eyes up to Patrick hoping he’d understand. 

‘Ah.’ Patrick said with a nod. ‘It’s ok.’ he said quickly after. 

‘And I’ve never been able to...not really, fall asleep somewhere, with someone. Even if I was ...with them. And I know we have, but that was one night at a time. And I just worry…’ he shrugged there wasn’t really an end to that sentence. He just worried. ‘That I’ll do something. That this will be the something that I…’ he trailed off again. 

It was dark, but he could make out David’s dark eyes fixed on him. He reached over for his hand that had been resting under his chin. He sensed David frowning slightly. He held on for a few moments just wanting that connection before he spoke. 

‘What if...it all works out.’ he said carefully ‘I mean I’m not making any promises, because who knows. But what if, that’s the what if?’

David didn’t know how to answer that. He’d never let himself think that far ahead. Even when his mind ran away with him, he shut it down. Even when he liked to think that this was it, that he’d never have to go through that again, there was a part of him that didn’t believe it. 

When he didn’t answer Patrick considered for a second then went for another approach. As much for his own sanity. He wasn’t insecure about things, but he was human. And every now and then the doubt crept in too. 

‘I mean if you wanted that…’ he said with a shrug ‘Or…’

David leaned over and kissed him. Slowly and deliberately. Leaving no doubt. But still he said. ‘I want that.’ he paused ‘I just sometimes...can’t want that.’ he frowned. 

Spectacularly Patrick was following. He reached a hand over to take David’s again. In the quiet and the dark it felt easier to say these things. Even if he wasn’t quite ready to say the one thing he wanted to yet. He intertwined his fingers with David’s while he thought. 

‘It’s just, that way I felt before I moved here?’ he swallowed, ‘I never want to feel that way again.’ he paused again ‘And I don’t think I will be with you around. I feel...safe from that with you around. You just sort of make things better.’ Patrick huffed ‘Sorry that sounds ridiculous.’ David was very quiet. 

David took a breath. Patrick thought he made his world better. He wasn’t sure he’d made anyone’s world better by being in it. He gently squeezed Patrick’s hand to show he’d heard. He could feel his eyes filling with tears. Both at the thought of Patrick being hurt, being unhappy before. And at the weight of what Patrick was saying. As much as he was trying to keep up the last of the walls, the last of the protection against this hurting him, because he knew now, if this went wrong it would hurt him more than he could cope with. 

‘David?’ Patrick said softly, afraid he’d crossed an invisible line. 

‘What have I said about saying nice things to me.’ David said very quietly, trying to keep his voice steady and failing. Patrick squeezed his hand again. Just as he felt a few tears escape. 

‘Come here.’ Patrick said, gently releasing his hand and rolling onto his back. ‘Why don’t we try and get some sleep.’ He saw David wipe at his face as he rolled over, and he dropped his head to kiss the top of David’s. He squeezed him. 

‘Talk to me about sports.’ David mumbled into Patrick’s t-shirt and felt him laugh. ‘Really.’ he said finally feeling sleepy again ‘I mean if you don’t mind…’ He felt Patrick give him a squeeze. 

‘Ok you asked for it. Here comes a history of the Blue Jays just like my Dad would give me….’ he felt a slight ache as he thought about his Dad. But he started talking softly about baseball, thinking that one day that would all be ok too. And he carried on talking until he was certain David was asleep, resting heavily on his chest. He let himself enjoy the quiet calm for a few moments before drifting off himself at last. 

He’d always been an early riser, and so even with no sleep, he was wide awake by seven. Knowing it was useless trying to sleep again he enjoyed the quiet for a bit. David stirred a bit shifting next to him. His hair was a mess, it was getting long and thanks to a restless night was falling over his eyes. Patrick smiled and smoothed it back. He mumbled something incomprehensible. 

‘It’s early, go back to sleep.’ Patrick said quietly. 

‘Not getting up yet?’ David mumbled sleepily. 

‘No I’m not getting up yet.’ Patrick smiled, translating roughly what he meant. David made a noise of agreement or contentment and rolled into him. Patrick lifted an arm so he could burrow in. 

‘Good.’ David mumbled into his t-shirt ‘Don’t leave me.’ He felt warm, and safe. And sleepy still. And he didn’t want to move. He’d made it three nights, however difficult. And he was certain he didn’t want to move. He burrowed into Patrick’s shirt as if making the point to himself. 

Patrick smiled. ‘No David I promise I won’t leave you.’ he said dipping his head to kiss the top of David’s hair. He gave a contented grunt. ‘I won’t leave you.’ he muttered a bit softer as David settled in. He wished he could make David believe that longer term too. But repeating it reminded him. As much as it was early to say it out loud, in his mind he knew, this was it. He closed his eyes again, he might as well lie there too for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Patrick's 'there are elements of the ridiculous about you' is lifted from Mark Darcy's 'I like you just as you are' speech aka, the best romantic speech in history. 
> 
> I've always thought Patrick knew he loved David long before he said it, so this is a bit of that too.


End file.
